I don’t consider myself someone with an addictive personality.
I know when to stop scrolling through social feeds and put my phone down. I always limit myself to no more than four Oreos per day. And I’ve managed to evade the grasp of compulsive masturbation and digital gaming addictions.
But if there’s one dark angel of temptation in my life, thy name would be energy drinks. I love everything about them: the saccharine flavours, the unearthly colours, and the ensuing euphoric buzz. I don’t even mind that they’ve been insidiously formulated in a lab to be as addictive as any legal product can be and that drinking one makes me feel like I’m a walking Matt Groening satirization.
Given my penchant for energy drinks, perhaps it’s not surprising that I eventually discovered G Fuel, an energy drink powder cleverly marketed as a cheaper alternative to canned energy drinks.
Each “tub” of the stuff costs about $50 CAD and contains forty servings. That means one serving is approximately $1.25 CAD, which is generally cheaper than a big-brand energy drink like Monster or Rockstar. And aside from pleasing my frugal sensibilities, G Fuel hits the caffeine sweet-spot, too. A single G Fuel serving contains 150mg of caffeine, which provides a pleasant, jitter-free increase in mood and energy that lasts about 5-6 hours.
That said, flavour diversity is where G Fuel really shines. As they’ve grown, the company’s product line has expanded to encompass the entire spectrum of sweet, fruity flavours, leaving little ground to cover. Their latest flavour is a joint deal with Moon Pie, which I think speaks to my point.
But unfortunately, not all of their lab-engineered flavours are great. So in the interest of celebrating white powdered substances that are at least slightly less dangerous than cocaine, I thought I’d don my gentleman’s tastemaker coat and share my thoughts on these powdered guilty pleasures of mine.
This was one of the first G Fuel flavours I tried. Admittedly, it didn’t make a great impression. It’s supposed to be a blend of pomegranate, blueberry, and strawberry, but because these are artificial fruit flavours, the final product is a muddled effort. No matter how well I mix it, FaZeberry always tastes chalky and overly pungent, as if the pomegranates have been fermenting in the hot sun.
Peach Iced Tea
I’ve had a fondness for the crisp, refreshing taste of Snapple’s Peach Iced Tea ever since childhood, so this flavour was an easy choice. While G Fuel’s version emphasizes sweetness over the tart flavour of non-powdered Peach Iced Tea, it’s not bad overall. In fact, adding a few drops of lemon juice could probably remedy the flavour’s overreliance on sweetness.
I’m not a food chemist, but I would assume that it’s not hard to faithfully replicate an artificial flavour like grape. Unsurprisingly, this one’s more or less what you would expect: a grape candy flavour with a slight hint of acidity. Not bad, not great, just grape!
Sour Blue Chug Rug
G Fuel’s flavours are at their best when they embrace their artificiality, and of the flavours I’ve tried, Sour Blue Chug Rug understands this best of all. This one is an uncanny recreation of those mouth-watering blue raspberry Slurpees and offers the perfect blend of sweet-and-sour flavour. Like FaZeberry, it suffers from tasting a bit chalky, but overall, it’s easily one of G Fuel’s best.
This one is billed as an eclectic blend of berries, kiwi, and pineapple, but the resulting package doesn’t quite come together as it should. Tropical Rain is decidedly one-note, with the tart flavour of what must be pineapple dominating the stage. As a result, it tastes less like a CapriSun and more like a tropical Kool-Aid flavour, but it’s not a bad one.
To me, watermelon-flavoured drink mixes always taste faintly like I’m lapping up pureed watermelon from a wet sidewalk, so ordering this one was a strange choice on my behalf. When powdered, it smells pleasantly creamy in a way that’s reminiscent of Friendly’s delectable Wattamelon rolls. But upon adding the recommended amount of water, the resulting flavour is muted and shallow. The added hint of mint gives Dubmelon Mint some extra depth, but it’s no saving grace. This watermelon is as watery as they come.
There you have it — a Refined Gentleman Tastemaker’s Review of Several G Fuel Flavours. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s time for me to retrieve my G Fuel shaker cup and continue enjoying these powdered delights completely unironically.
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